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Rather than catapulting head-first into the unpredictable wilderness, Tarzan and Jane arrive into the jungle using the tourist entrance – in the shape of Lovestruck.com’s rather casual singles night. The evening promised free entry (a major deciding factor) and “a higher-than-average number of single people”, without the gimmick of games, rules and nametags.
The Venue
A short walk away from Tower Hill station, amongst the spotless and almost deserted streets that is characteristic of the city after working hours, stands Gilt Bar.
Unfortunately, on this occasion, Tarzan - the little bastard - decided to make like a dandruff and flake. Due to other "important" obligations he felt it fitting to leave poor Jane on her own in the jungle. Luckily, Jane's sister stepped in to accompany her. This is how Jane's night panned out:
Jane
One of the fundamental factors to consider before any date or evening out is one's attire and appearance. How you choose to present yourself is key in influencing first impressions and will play a massive part in the kind of people you will attract. For example, the last person I dated some months back arrived at our first date with a dapper shirt/jumper combo, to which I instantly approved. Then he turned up to all the subsequent dates in the very same outfit...! He had to go. TIP: It's not just the lady that has to make the effort, a different outfit for every date is a must - at least for the first month. I can often go up to three months without having to wear the same thing twice. This has nothing to do with my addiction to dresses, of course.
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I arrived at the place feeling apprehensive. It suddenly struck me as rather seedy, knowingly entering a place where everyone is solely looking to pick up or be picked up. We'd missed the happy hour by minutes, but a cheeky smile to the barman meant I managed to snag a bottle of red for a discounted price. I'd told myself I wasn't going to drink so I could concentrate on my dating research, but I'd never been to anything like this before, preferring to meet men the normal way, on an off chance, rather than to go looking for it. I easily polished off the bottle with very little help from my sister.
After putting our coats away and noticing that some ladies had arrived alone (one in particular who waited behind us in the queue to the cloakroom, dressed awfully casual in jeans, jumper and boots, kept giving us the evil eye... she should have thought of making an effort and chucking a bit of slap on her face then, shouldn't she!?) we went to explore. The venue was split between two rooms, a bar in each one. At the beginning of the night the place was reminiscent of a school disco. The lads on one side, drinking their beers and checking out the women at a distance, the ladies on the other sipping their wines and checking out the competition. There was a sense of collective embarrassment as everyone clearly knew they were there for the same reason... that they're single and desperate! (At least I had my excuse of coming here for the sake of research...)
TIP: If you're looking to seriously dive into the dating scene I wouldn't particularly recommend these singles parties. It's best for those who just want to dip their toe in for a bit of fun. The fact that there were no games to act as an ice breaker and no rules to adhere to (except one: to have a red straw in your glass if you were single. Not particularly effective when everyone was either drinking wine or beer...) made it rather difficult. What is the protocol? Do you make eye contact and head for the kill? Do you wait for him to approach? How is this any different to a normal night out at a bar or club, except for the fact you know everyone is single?
I didn't have to worry about answering any of these questions as the general clientèle fell into a few categories that didn't suit my tastes whatsoever:
Old - most of the men and women looked over 35. One woman in her forties seemed intent on recapturing her youth as she donned a tartan mini skirt, lacy tights and dolly shoes. Shudder.
Unattractive - or as I like to call them 'Bugly'. There were a handful of mediocre looking men and the rest I daren't look twice, lest they assume I'm interested. The only other attractive woman in the place was a cute young lady we had befriended in the loo. I ended up playing matchmaker for her as she pointed out the men that she found attractive. Our code word was 'I'm parched' if we weren't interested, and 'I need to go toilet' if we were revolted.
Over-friendly - NEVER EVER ENTER MY INTIMACY ZONE! I don't like anyone coming too close to my face. Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm interested. We're British... we don't need to greet someone we've just met with a kiss on both cheeks. A handshake is perfectly adequate, and even that is pushing it.
A little later in the night it certainly resembled a jungle during mating season; when the females are on heat and the males circle around them, fighting for their attentions. I found it hilarious how, with the confidence of intoxication, the men started to inch closer towards the women. Clearly it was slim pickings, as some of the half-decent looking men ended up conversing with some aesthetically challenged women. Perhaps these men thought that coming home from a singles night without a number was a failure. Then again, of course, not everyone is quite so shallow as me. I must work on that flaw.
I was beginning to feel that all my preparations to look presentable were wasted on this sorry bunch. And then, like an orchid amongst the weeds, a tiger amongst the hyenas... I saw 'Eyebrows'. He was the only handsome man in the bar, with his chiselled jaw and kind, beautiful green eyes. But the stand-out feature was his thick, modelesque eyebrows. I'm a sucker for good eyebrows. It wasn't long till I started a conversation, only to find out that he and his not so attractive friend frequented this bar after work and had no idea that it was a singles evening. When I asked which straw they would sip from, red for single or black for taken, the plain looking friend said red (as if I care) and Eyebrows replied... black. Sigh.
According to Nancy Etcoff's psychological research, "when a human sees an attractive face the reward centers in the brain fire" these powerful rewards include endorphins, dopamine, epinephrine... happy drugs for the brain. I couldn't agree more. I didn't even mind that Eyebrows was taken because we were able to talk about all sorts of crap without having to worry about impressing each other. I would much rather talk and laugh with a beautiful man that I have no chance with, than converse with an unattractive single one. I wasn't surprised that he had a woman, as unlike his rather rude and abrupt friend, he was charming, funny and a pleasure to talk to.
I left that night in high spirits. I may not be looking for the man of my dreams any time soon, but I'm happy to pick up some friends along the way.
Will Jane's insatiable search for beauty hinder her chances to snag a date? Will the elusive and mysterious Tarzan ever turn up to an event? Join Tarzan and Jane again next month as they delve deeper in the London Jungle.
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