Tarzan Enters the Web

  With Jane dominating the Jungle trek at the moment, Tarzan is keen not to be left behind. Equipped with a stylish flat-cap to shade from the glare of the tropical sun (or rather the glare of the computer screen) and a trusty walking stick (mouse) to help him navigate around the large, unforgiving wilderness, Tarzan enters the online dating scene. As Jane stubbornly refuses to participate in online dating, being a bit of a traditionalist, someone has got to do it. Here are the explorations of our brave leading man:



Tarzan


Well so far I have been rather off the boil on the dating scene and instead have been hunting for a new home - up in the trees with my animal friends - and I can now reveal that I’ve found one... whoop whoop. So to try and catch up with Jane I decided to make the big step and join a dating site. Dun Dun dunnnnnnnnnn!

Even more free advertising for Lovestruck
They need to feature us on their website at this rate

Me being a Media Professional (I use the word professional in the most loosest sense) I went for Lovestruck.com – ‘the busy peoples dating website’. I have no idea why I choose that particular one as I am not exactly busy... just damn lazy. However they do annoyingly advertise on spotify and have that shitty tube advert about the one sitting there next to you, as if going to work on a cold January morning is a freaking sliding doors movie. Anyway...


So the profile was set up; I went for a quick, short introduction, as I have noticed that I didn't read profiles that were too long. I said a little about me, enough for people to ask some questions and enough information to show what I was looking for. Then added some of my best pictures and bang... there I was on the internet for strangers to see and judge me on my personality and looks.

One of my profile pictures... Enticing and other-worldly!

So far I haven’t received one lousy email, a bit like real life really. TIP: Don’t do this if you think it might make you feel better, you have to put in a lot of freaking work. Infact you have to seem much more interesting than you actually are by mentioning such things as your favourite books and films etc. And you can’t say Rocky 4, no women wants to watch that with you... go for feminine independent bullshit like 'Wrist Cutters - A Love Story'. Or maybe I just need to work on my face.
However they do offer a winking service much like the ‘poking’ on Facebook but less sexual. And I have been getting a few winks. I wish they were the other W word that ends in a K but no this website does not do that sadly. Thailand dating websites might.
So far all the winkers weren't really my type or just never freaking got back to me so why wink...? WHY?!
The next stage I felt was to browse the single women on the site using their matching service, and have since been firing emails off to attractive funny girls. I even got some responses. Hurrah!
The email exchanges have been rather like normal conversations; What do you do? How long have you lived in London? I have been trying to throw in some different questions in there, to set me out from possibly the hundred other emails these fine ladies get. Or so I presume. I am sure many of these guys use dating websites just to trawl for sex. TIP: Beware ladies, I actually know this for a fact as some of these reprobates are my friends.
Below is a example of one of my email exchanges with a fine fettle to show me in action!
You look too good for me - me (sent drunk at 2am)
-her (no response)
So what you up to ? Stuck in on a Saturday that can’t be right ? - me (one week later - I knew she was online as the site tells me) 
- her (still no response)
Hey there!
How did the weekend go?
I just watched a film called The Crazies scary !
Have you been to Zumba this weekend? Zumba is freaking awesome I often do this dressed as the 118 man I look freaking cool as - me (I just kept going like the biggest loser in town, I don’t even know what Zumba is, I think it’s some kind of voodoo witch doctor weather dance from Zambia)
Hello!
Great weekend! Bit of shopping, a few meals out and a cinema trip! Sadly no Zumba!
How has your weekend been? Never seen/heard of The Crazies! Any good? - her (Response!!! See, if you nag long enough they will respond. I am a stalker in real life too, just so you know) 


A response! Come on Mr Tarzan, finally! After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing I sent her my number and told her to text me sometime for a date. She responded and said she was busy this week but would definitely text me to meet up for a beer sometime soon. Half a result.


I may not be the best at this online dating thing but I will carry on trying, I promise, and by the end of next week I am sure I will have a date. You never know maybe I will end up getting married, owning a farm with a few chickens, strolling around in the sunset picking flowers for her in our massive field with barley growing in the distance and she staring lovingly at me as the wind blows about her hair. Or I could end up meeting with someone only to find out she is a lot larger than I expected. (TIP: Beware of anyone with face-only profile pictures!) Then we'll get drunk as the conversation is going nowhere, make out as it has gotten too awkward, invite her back to mine to keep drinking as I can't afford any more drinks but now I’ve got that beer buzz and can’t stop and none of my friends are answering their texts. We will get back to mine, I will feel obliged to have sex with this girl twice my size, who seems to like to twist my little nipples and I don’t have the courage to say anything or the strength to get her off me. The sex will go on forever as I am unable to come and all I can think about is how did Sirius Black stay undercover all that time? And why Harry's mother didn't love him when he clearly loved her more than anything. Poor guy...